broken bottle 2005 charcoal and pastel on paper 18x24 

brother of flame 2005 charcoal on paper 18x24. 

rain

it has been raining all night and all this morning and on the news they say there is flooding in brigham city but i really don't know where not at my house but the news chopper has been flying overhead all morning. the creek is about 2 blocks from where i live i guess i will have to go out and check it out.

so not much work the last few days

it comes in spurts and i have discovered a problem. the board that i have underneath my easel while it collects all of the charcoal from the drawing. my feet get in the dust and i have tracked it all over the carpet. i will find a way to get it out but presents a problem for the future, either i draw outside or find some way of keeping the dust off of the carpet. i could draw in the kitchen and then just mop it up or find some larger item to put on the carpet to keep the dust contained.

THIS IS MY PLACE

i think in the place i draw in this place i fantasize in the place it it mine to create and dream

when you want

when you want a new piece just look at me. just worship me. just tell me that there is nothing better in your life than the picture that i create. i am lost and found you look at this diatribe and you cannot acoount nothting we are all here and we look and see and find beauty in my darkness. just follow me and we can betray christ

scarecrow 2005 18x24 charcoal and pastel on paper  

you can dedicate

your pain to him

i create

i create because i want to create. it is a way of making life real for me i don't create for money i don't even create for you. i create for me cause sometimes when i look at something i have done i just wipe tears from my eyes

"one final view" 2005 charcoal and pastel on paper 18x24 

patti smith does it for me

maybe it's because she was into robert maplthorpe and he into her........or maybe it's the songs.... or maybe just the haircut. i don't care she does it for me

abandoned hope 2005 charcoal and pastel on paper 18x24 

new work !! today. "unsure" 2005 charcoal and pastel on paper 18x24 

untitled # 4 2004 charcoal and pastel on paper 18x24  

scar tissue beauty charoal and pastel on paper 18x24 2004 

one of my favorites from 2004.... in darkeness my heart was won 18x24 charcoal and pastel on paper 2004 

today i weep

today i am alone

so is it the end of the day or the end of the world

so i have been listening to skinny puppy for the last few hours........and i have so many fine memories to it if i could stand up and could stand it i would dance and reflect on the apocalypse.

rejection didn't stop me or did it?

so i called the brigham museum and found out that their shows are two years out and can only take pieces 2 times annually. larry kept giving me the run around about when i should submit my stuff. so i have made up my mind to call him once a month until he gives my pieces a chance. i think they are really good. it is just a matter of time for them to get into somewhere. i have worked to hard and been through too much hardship to give up now. so after that i tried to look up galleries in ogden and it was just shit. most of them were just frame shops i guess just trying to grow.
my work demands to be seen

so i have been rejected.

so as you know i submitted some pieces to philips gallery the most prestigious in salt lake and i got my reply they said "i am glad i had the opportunity to review your work. your portfolio demonstrates many fine qualities and strenghs. i regret to inform you that due to our already extensive inventory philips gallery is unable to accept any new artists at this time."
so my friends i tried and that is something that i couldn't even ponder 5 years ago i will keep trying with other galleries. there is a gallery here in brigham and am thinking of giving it a try.
down and out.

so my one good dream this week

so i had this dream that this woman i knew from working at marriott jackie smith was moving into my apartment building and i was so excited to have a friend here. and then the manager came and i had paid my rent and she was giving me the receipt except it showed i only paid 15 dollars and i had given her the wrong money order and so since she had already deposited it it would take a while to get it back and only then could i give her the right one. then jackie took me for a drive in her suv and we ended up in garland which is north of tremonton and there was a movie theatre there. and so i told her the story of how once there were many movie theatre's in tremonton and so we decided to go to the movie and she bought tickets and then i realized it was about 6pm and it was very late for me and i wanted to get back to my apt. and get drunk but however i went into to movie and it was filled with children and teenagers which i despise (unless they are gothic). but however it was a disney film and before i could see how it could turn out i awoke.

so i have been depressed

and absent, it was all i could do to get out of bed and turn on the tv. it truly sucked, if i could have slept all day i would have. i don't like it but that is the way that i have to live. on wednesday night i finally slept for about 12 hours and it was good sleep with some good dreams then i got up feeling better and i finally started cleaning my house. it is still a big mess around my computer desk and easel but that is to be expected from an artist isn't it? there is only so much i can do. i managed to do one load of laundry today but i must have about 5 more to catch myself up to a point that if i do it every week then i can keep it under control. the only problem is that if i have to do it every week that is more time that i have to be out in the hallway which greatly increases my chances that i will have to socialize, which i dread from the paranoia that every one is out the to get me. but i survive live and breathe and i had to talk to someone today who has cancer.... when she asked me how i was i just said depressed and she started telling me about her cancer and there is nothing to be done about it. and the doctor said that in about 6 months the pain will be so great she will have to be hospitalized until she dies. i mean how do you respond to that and how do you justify staying in your apt because you are to afraid to leave when she can get out and manage. but i survive, live and breathe

i am done for today

hope you like the work, i have waiting for this to come out for the past couple of months. and now it has and i am out there and working agian you should be proud. i know who loves my art and who doesnt.i am a slave your slave making pieces for paradise. this is the portrait of an artist who grew up. or who tried to. i have taken off my apron for tonight.

when you have an itch

scratch it

SOLD

poems by the river charcoal and pastel on paper 18x24 2005

i've got something in my heart that won't quit

it is an irregular beat but when i am making art it is silent and i try to live for the moment and create not pieces that people will love but make pieces that i will love

SOLD

i'm over-reacting. acrylic on paper 18x24. 2005

if i could stop dancing

i might get more work done

i did a little work today

hope you like it.........i am planning to keep busy working the rest of the week.... so stay tuned.

collage glue paper and ink. 5x5.5 2005 

why be gloomy

when you can listen to belle & sebastian

andre transgendered #1 charcoal and pastel on paper 18x24 2004 

finding a replacement for jason

whether you like it or not i need one, i need someoone to come over and visit me that is not interested in having sex with and that will just socialize and drink and be more fucked up than me. i hate trying to meet people.

mary mother of god on the nod. 18x24 1994

THIS WAS MY BEgining

self portrait 

today i took charge

so i sent 4 samples of my drawings to phillips gallery in salt lake the most prestigious one in utah. it was a step i had to take because i think my drawings are that good. and if i don't get in there then i will resort to plan B and get them into somewhere.

i am back on random play

hit or miss enjoy your show. i am listening to my 3200 songs at random and it is always a pleasure. sometimes that is a grunt listening to a song that i don't want to but what is there to want anymore. i have everything i wanted, except for the paranoia to be gone. today when i got back from the store this neighbor that lives in the apt next to me which i have only seen only one time before because he never leaves as well as me. everytime i go out his newspapers are stacked by his door (a few days worth) so today i see him and he is just standing there looking at me, him in his bathrobe thank god it wasn't open, so i said hello and he just stood there looking at me like i was some kind of freak. if he would have said something like you smell or your a drunk and we are trying to get rid of you i could've found a way to handle that. but just to stare.........what a fuck

alex's young love # charcoal on paper 18x24. 2004 

alex # 2 charcoal and pastel on paper. 18x24 2004 

and i forgot

the other day when i spent so much time in bed i had this wonderful dream that me, matt and michelle were bicycling around this city and even though we weren't biking together we kept ending up at the same mediterranean markets and restaurants. of course i being the hero in the dream was tracking a terrorist and then my dream took a turn and i road my bike through a field of cactus and got tons of spikes in my tires but they didn't go flat. i awoke.

today maybe i'll get something done.

i got all my music problems worked out and now have a vast collection to add to my own, it is great when you have friends to take care of your needs. so i have made myself a goal to start working on some new drawings next week, i think i can do it at last. i have all of the supplies and if i can't do that i can work on some smaller collages i have the supplies for that as well. so you all can look forward to that.
i was able to get out of the apartment today and it wasn't as challenging as yesterday. my sister took me shopping to wal mart. i had to buy groceries and they carry a vast selection of vegetarian food products that you can't find at the other stores and i am on a serious budget otherwise i wouldn't shop there.
it was good to get out and by the time we got back the rain had stopped so i trecked it down to the liquor store and am now drinking bloody mary's horray for me.

still quiet

this week i have been really depressed and have had a really hard time staying out of bed. i have been sleeping alot and not eating. it truly has been difficult. today i finally made it out of bed at 9:30. and actully fixed some coffee and went out to the grocer to buy some food. it caused me to feel a little better. i got a great package from matt and michelle on monday full of goodies, that was actually my best day of the week. full of books, music, and pillows, but because i got so depressed i haven't actully enjoyed any of the reading and i am trying to get the music in my player but there is a problem so i am still working on that. that is my week thus far. a little unhappy.

self portrait 4/1/05  

i've been quiet

so i slipped into a little depression on wednesday and thursday was much worse. and this morning was difficult but i am a survivor and i keep going on and now i feel fine, i wouldn't say i was smiling but i am relaxed and back ready to get into my work and discover myself again. that is what my work is all about some sort of theraputic climax that takes me into heaven there is nothing like looking on a completed drawing and seeing a bliss that nothing on earth can take away. today i woke up with the idea that i would go back to bed after a few hours and sleep the rest of the day away but i can't after all there are all those beatiful men out there to capture and create them into my ideal