happy halloween

i was going to go on a picnic to the cemetary but it is just too cold. i have more picks from the pumpkin carving party my sister sent to me.

family pumpkin carving party

so this is my family and today was a family pumpkin carving party. very mormon we even had a blessing of the food before dinner. i always like to keep my eyes open and see who else is rebellious enough to look. mormons. what can i say. but it was kind of fun. an extreme social event for me since i hate kids. but i survived. and feel exhausted and in need of many drinks now that i am home

swallow . charcoal on paper 24x36 

the emptiness of ugliness acrylic on canvas 18x24 

untitled mask acrylic on canvas 18x24 

self portrait (john wayne "gacy" beach 18x24 acrylic and oil pastel on canvas 

after much frustration

i got my mat cutter put together and functioning. it takes alot a practice but i have sucessfully matted and framed my first picture. tomorow i am buyin a new camera. so soon we will have visual back again.

i am back and better

so i found my money so i found my strength. it was just a look away ..............my new winter art is digital so i hope you will like them. there is no mess just a bunch of lights and that is all i care about the lights of you who comment

butterfly boy : digital image 2005 

i could take a calgon bath but..............

i could smoke a cig and wait for you to return..............but i have waited a lifetiem. i am in love with only you

my dreams again

Last night i had several dream in a sequence while waking up from each one. i was walking this town but it was a fictional town since i didn't recognize it and (joy division playing now yes) and i was looking for my home. i was walking the streets which were filled with poor degenerates. and i went to on place that i thought that was my home but i realized i couldn't live in such squalor. then i kept going into shops and in one i bought some cough syrup to get me high and then i kept falling down and had trouble getting up god i was in a suit shop for christ sake and i was feeling the fabric and fell down and everything was collapsing all around me. then i wandered into some sort of china town and was trying to buy jade icons. and i kept wandering in china town forever and i thought if i just buy something i can make it home. and i kept wandering from room to room and finally found a nice jade paperweight that i bought but it wasnt enough. i saw a wonderful black beaded purse that i wanted to buy but for some reason couldn't and i had on my posession this lovely purple beaded veil that i found a wonderful dress to match it.....i must have pissed them off cuz they wouldn't let me buy it. then i wandered from room to room til i got out of the chinese district and by the way i was speaking to them in chinese. i finally found home and it was in this building surrounded by graffit and burning buildings. but i had plants on my patio

somewhere

you are out there and i keep falling for those str8ght men.

listen and you shatll hear

in my silent step you listen to nature and organization and we are one an bliss

i am doing nothing

but sitting in front of the pc. listening to music and having some beers. i am just waiting for my checks to come in. i have been shopping and when my checks start arriving i will have to decide what toys i want to buy. mostly the things i was are focused on art....just one little pleasure an 60 gig mp3 player. but mostly i am just entertaining myself shopping. i haven't had the money to shop for such a long time. and now with my big ssi check coming in. i am spending it all on art toys. and then i will get poor again and depressed but at least i will have some new toys to play with. i am lonely today. but i am up and out of bed which is always a good thing. i struggle to make it out of bed everday.
last night i had vampire dreams of terror and i kept waking up so finally i got up at three am to stop the cycle of the dreams. they were freaking me out. so i had a cig and went back to bed the dream cycle stopped. at one point i was screaming and i don't know if i was doing it just in the dream or outloud. i hope it wasn't outloud but that has been know to happen before. after several vampire dreams of terror and waking up i dreamt that i had found this church which i thought was safety but i went inside seeking santuary. and i only discoved it was a black church of satan. i screamed.

it's official

i am insane. the government thinks so as well. i got on disability. yes i get a check every month just for being me. i don't have to work no more interviews for me this is such a relief. god it is about time.