THIS IS MY PLACE

i think in the place i draw in this place i fantasize in the place it it mine to create and dream

when you want

when you want a new piece just look at me. just worship me. just tell me that there is nothing better in your life than the picture that i create. i am lost and found you look at this diatribe and you cannot acoount nothting we are all here and we look and see and find beauty in my darkness. just follow me and we can betray christ

scarecrow 2005 18x24 charcoal and pastel on paper  

you can dedicate

your pain to him

i create

i create because i want to create. it is a way of making life real for me i don't create for money i don't even create for you. i create for me cause sometimes when i look at something i have done i just wipe tears from my eyes

"one final view" 2005 charcoal and pastel on paper 18x24 

patti smith does it for me

maybe it's because she was into robert maplthorpe and he into her........or maybe it's the songs.... or maybe just the haircut. i don't care she does it for me

abandoned hope 2005 charcoal and pastel on paper 18x24 

new work !! today. "unsure" 2005 charcoal and pastel on paper 18x24 

untitled # 4 2004 charcoal and pastel on paper 18x24  

scar tissue beauty charoal and pastel on paper 18x24 2004 

one of my favorites from 2004.... in darkeness my heart was won 18x24 charcoal and pastel on paper 2004 

today i weep

today i am alone

so is it the end of the day or the end of the world

so i have been listening to skinny puppy for the last few hours........and i have so many fine memories to it if i could stand up and could stand it i would dance and reflect on the apocalypse.

rejection didn't stop me or did it?

so i called the brigham museum and found out that their shows are two years out and can only take pieces 2 times annually. larry kept giving me the run around about when i should submit my stuff. so i have made up my mind to call him once a month until he gives my pieces a chance. i think they are really good. it is just a matter of time for them to get into somewhere. i have worked to hard and been through too much hardship to give up now. so after that i tried to look up galleries in ogden and it was just shit. most of them were just frame shops i guess just trying to grow.
my work demands to be seen

so i have been rejected.

so as you know i submitted some pieces to philips gallery the most prestigious in salt lake and i got my reply they said "i am glad i had the opportunity to review your work. your portfolio demonstrates many fine qualities and strenghs. i regret to inform you that due to our already extensive inventory philips gallery is unable to accept any new artists at this time."
so my friends i tried and that is something that i couldn't even ponder 5 years ago i will keep trying with other galleries. there is a gallery here in brigham and am thinking of giving it a try.
down and out.

so my one good dream this week

so i had this dream that this woman i knew from working at marriott jackie smith was moving into my apartment building and i was so excited to have a friend here. and then the manager came and i had paid my rent and she was giving me the receipt except it showed i only paid 15 dollars and i had given her the wrong money order and so since she had already deposited it it would take a while to get it back and only then could i give her the right one. then jackie took me for a drive in her suv and we ended up in garland which is north of tremonton and there was a movie theatre there. and so i told her the story of how once there were many movie theatre's in tremonton and so we decided to go to the movie and she bought tickets and then i realized it was about 6pm and it was very late for me and i wanted to get back to my apt. and get drunk but however i went into to movie and it was filled with children and teenagers which i despise (unless they are gothic). but however it was a disney film and before i could see how it could turn out i awoke.

so i have been depressed

and absent, it was all i could do to get out of bed and turn on the tv. it truly sucked, if i could have slept all day i would have. i don't like it but that is the way that i have to live. on wednesday night i finally slept for about 12 hours and it was good sleep with some good dreams then i got up feeling better and i finally started cleaning my house. it is still a big mess around my computer desk and easel but that is to be expected from an artist isn't it? there is only so much i can do. i managed to do one load of laundry today but i must have about 5 more to catch myself up to a point that if i do it every week then i can keep it under control. the only problem is that if i have to do it every week that is more time that i have to be out in the hallway which greatly increases my chances that i will have to socialize, which i dread from the paranoia that every one is out the to get me. but i survive live and breathe and i had to talk to someone today who has cancer.... when she asked me how i was i just said depressed and she started telling me about her cancer and there is nothing to be done about it. and the doctor said that in about 6 months the pain will be so great she will have to be hospitalized until she dies. i mean how do you respond to that and how do you justify staying in your apt because you are to afraid to leave when she can get out and manage. but i survive, live and breathe

i am done for today

hope you like the work, i have waiting for this to come out for the past couple of months. and now it has and i am out there and working agian you should be proud. i know who loves my art and who doesnt.i am a slave your slave making pieces for paradise. this is the portrait of an artist who grew up. or who tried to. i have taken off my apron for tonight.

when you have an itch

scratch it