my mind

my mind to me a kingdom is

i am home alone

"he was alone....he was unheeded, happy, and near to the wild heart of life. He was alone and young and wilful and wildhearted, alone amid a waste of wild air and brackish waters and the seaharvest of shells and tangle and veiled grey sunlight"
-JAMES JOYCE

i'm in tremonton

here i am at my parents it is a nice break from the paranoia i was feeling. Tremonton is a rural farming community about 20 miles north of Brigham City. i brought all my laundry and even washed all of my blankets. so i will go back home with an empty laundry basket to get filled again. today we went to one of the farmers market and i got some freshly harvested vegtables to take back with me. i got tomatos onions and fresh garlic. some hungarian wax peppers, new potatos, my mom bought some fresh corn which we are going to have for lunch.
i saw my doctor today and he said not to worry if you are getting up so early you. some people only need 6 hours of sleep. i don't think i am one of them. but i am not bothered about getting up early. i have enjoyed getting up early putting the walkman on and reading. today i have been reading a book called into the wild. it is great and i read about half of it this morning. i highly recommend it.

shit

so i get to therapy and find out my doctor has called out sick. damn. what am i to do now. i did have a nice walk listening to the cocteau twins though

therapy

i am up early again listening to my walkman and drinking coffee. today is therapy thank god. i have been going over things in my mind too much and i just need to get them out. maybe my neighbor feels threatened by my lack of socializing. i think since he just can't stop talking he thinks that everyone else should be like him. i will never be like that no matter how many years of therapy it takes. i like and survive being alone and working on my art in a solitary manner.
i should have a new usb cable by thursday. i am going to radio shack or wal mart and see if they have one. i just can't handle life without it... so i will have to sacrifice to buy it. i hope they will take my other cable back i still haven't got an email about the return. maybe they just aren't on-line on the weekend and will respond today.

3 AM

woke up at 3 am again this morning. it has already been a rough morning filled with paranoia. i have just been sitting here with my walkman listening to music and reading. the whole neighbor incident from friday has left me fragile and unhappy. i feel like they are watching my every move, and i know it seems a bit irrational. they can't possibly know what i am doing in my apt. and i am not doing anything wrong, but i just can't help but feel upset about everything. i am just trying to live my life quiet and alone. i can't help that i am private and unsocial.

advertising

so i have been hit with so much advertising to my comments that i have implimented word verification when you leave a comment. it is an annoying step but will cut out all of the automated comments that i have received.

i went for a brisk walk

just to calm my nerves and listened to the mission uk. and i actually feel a little better.

i am paranoid

more so than i can describe to you. my neighbor ringing my bell has really upset me today. and i have to go out even though i don't want to i have to take my pieces down to the museum to enter for the competition. i really don't want to.
i have been cleaning my apt. and found 3 pieces of nicorette gum. thank god i really need that this morning.
it is already turning into a rough day.

saturday

so i am up after i spent the last two days depressed in bed sleeping. yesterday one of my nieghbors was ringing my door obsessively it just kept ringing so i had to get up and answer it, it pissed me off. he wanted to know if i had an ogden phone book. ya does that sound suspicious for him to ring my bell about 20 times. wonder what he really wanted.
i got my cable and it the wrong size. it was the only one i could find that had the connectors that i needed. so i might just have to go to radio shack and take the cable in and see if i can find one like it. hope i can return this one i sent them an email. so hopefully but i guess i will be out the shipping charge. i don't know if i like amazon.com or not.

jason 1996 

self portrait (myself as madonna) 1996 

me in 1990 a rare photo by warren 

me in san diego 1998 a rare photo by matt 

a rare portrait by jason and even rarer i am in white 

scott in mexico jr. high  

a rare portrait by jason 

i think this was 1989.... self portrait listening to too much joy division 

hello

so i dug out my box of photos that aren't in any albumns and since my camera is down i thought i would post some. i have been chronicling my life through photos and self portraits here are a few i like.

polaroid 1993 

polaroid 1993 

me and the cold gun a not so rare self portrait 1996 

jason 

me and my sisters jr. high 

jason 

3 dark angels 

i will have new pics soon i promise

in the meantime i am tearing up some drawings to make into collage work. and reworking some old drawings. it feels good to tear up your soul.

up early again

i don't know why i keep getting up at 4am. i don't feel exhausted yet but i will if i keep getting only 5 hours of sleep. but at least i am getting out of bed and doing stuff not laying there hiding under the covers everyday. my usb cable is on it's way so in a couple of weeks i should have pics again. my blog must be dull without pics. i feel dull not being able to share them with you. so if you didn't hear about the police crack down on the rave in utah, check michelles blog for a first hand account of the overreaction and police brutality in utah. just click on the link on the right. it is totally different than the news accounts that were broadcast.

my soaps are interupted

can you believe it just because george w. is in slc. they think they can interupt my stories.

monday morning bored

so i survived the dull weekend by reading. i have been waking up around 3 or 4 and spent alot of time listening to music and reading again. tv has become dull for me the last few days. i ordered a new usb cable it should arrive by sept 2 so i am hoping that it will work. i got it from amazon.com i have never used them before but it does seem pretty good. there art supplies are a bit expensive. i have been working on art even though i can't display it.

i have shut out the world

i am listening to nin full blast...... scare myself i am really ...........

another day

so i woke up at 3:30 and purposely got out of bed to start my day by reading. the mapplethorpe biography is great and explicit but now i am a little to restless on coffee to concentrate. i didn't realize that he was so famous while alive. it is interesting. so next month i am getting prints made to send to the library for a request for a show i am picking out 20 of my best heads and calling them "heads for the psycholically disturbed" if you have a better title for them then let me know. or maybe heads of the psychologically disturbed.
today is the big inspection day at the apt. i have spent the last 3 days cleaning obsessively and am waiting for 7 to hit so i do some minor touch ups. i even got down on my hands and knees and scrubbed the kitchen and bathroom floors. i even cleaned the carpets. i washed paint off the walls with comet. and it worked. i have a few paint stains on the carpet but ran out of stain remover. i found this really great stain remover called kiss off it comes in a tube like chapstick and i can tell you it really works well. it is even supposed to get out oil paint. i have it on my wishlist if you want to buy me some.
thats all for now i'll let you know how the day progresses.

michelle and my art

michelle just got one of my shirts. you can see a pic of her in it just click on the link on the right. order your own. it looks great. i still haven't got my camera fixed i am pretty sure it is the usb cord. another expense. today i rolled my pennies to buy yet another pack of cigs i was having severe withdrawals. but that is it for the cigs and i hate the withdrawals they suck.

it felt good to nap

and i just woke up and am having an espresso. yum. i went to the library and got another book. mapplethorpe: assalt with a deadly camera. its a memior of his life and so it is on interlibrary loan and due in a week so i better spend some serious time reading this week. i don't know what to do about my digital camera i tried again to get it to transfer photos and it won't recognize the usb item. i have installed the camera driver again. so i guess no photos of art until i figure it out. i am out of paint anyway.

up and awake

i woke up at 2:30a today and decided to get up and fix coffee cause i couldn't get back to sleep so i sat drinking coffee and read Dennis Cooper's My loose thread. it was great once i got into it. it was due at the library tomorrow so it was fate that i get up and read it, i guess.

so i have a new piece

i am having alot of trouble with my camera loading images onto my pc. i think i need a new cable....it sucks.

my entries

so these are the two i have picked to enter in the brigham city museum competition let me know what you think

open mouth mask 

lead wieght 

schizophrenic angelic conversation

oil pastel with acrylic on canvas 18x24 2005 UNTITILED #3 you name it 

i am lost in a world of diatribes and phone conversations

i spent all afternoon working and i wanted a little reward talked to my friend jackie and talked for a long time. it's been years and we had to catch up. called two friends who were on the john sick and couldn't really talk. maybe i'll catch someone online who will want to talk
i just want to talk

it took me all day

but i finally posted a new work. it was an exercise in destroying my ego and building it up again

a work in progress

john wayne beach. 2005 acrylic paint and oil pastels on canvas 18x24 

vitamins

sometimes i can't think i can survive and work without them.

slides

so i have researched the slide issue and i found at inkleys(ritz camera) that i can get slides made from a digital image for $19.95 flat fee plus $3.99 for each slide. it seems kind of pricey but if you have to buy the slide film and take the photos again and mask them i think it is about the same price. my digital images are already cropped so i would have to go through the tedious and pricey task of masking them. i hate that. i really need these to apply for a show in slc. if anyone can help me out by buying a gift cert to ritz camera it would be much appreciated. if you have some extra cash.

espresso and vitamins

today has been great so far. i went early into therapy and made the round trip walk with a few stops. i stopped at the shopko vision center to look at frames i have an appt. on friday and i wanted to see what kind of frames they offer for medicaid. and i found a couple of pairs that i really like trying to decide between black which would match my clothes and kind of abrupt of a kind of tortiseshell that look more subtle on my face but both are pretty much jump off my face instead of blend in. let me know your opinion. so then i went to smiths because it is the only store in town that carries feline pine. and while i was there i bought some fresh ground coffee came home and made some hazelnut espresso. it tastes bitter and great. and i feel it will be a vitamin charged day and plan to work on some art. i am in such a good mood. so check in later there will be new work.

Struggle for joy 2005. charcoal and conte crayon on paper 18x24 

Yearn 2005 charcoal and conte crayons on paper 18x24 

scar overlaps beauty. 2005 charcoal and conte crayon on paper 18x24.  

mask # 7 (you name it) 2005 acrylic paint and oil pastel on canvas 18x24 

i am back home and my presentation

so i finally made it back home. and it was a fun vacation i stayed with dave and i saw walter and esther. it was great seeing them and catching up
as far as my presentation went. i didn't feel to good about it at first but now i am ok with it.it was a difficult thing for me to do with my horrible social phobia. and i was very nervous when i got up to the u i walked into the building and my hands were trembling and i took a tranquilizer and then smoked 2 cigs, before i went up to the class. and it would have been easier if i would have had slides but i presented my original work, i must get slides made. i think next month i will have to do it. the class had a lot of questions for me and felt unprepared but i survived it and i did it. it was a big accomplishment for me and if there is a next time i will do a better job and it will be easier.
it is so good to be home

i'm still awake

so i have arrived safe and sound in salt lake city and the bus ride though it was not pleasant it was not horrid as it has been in the past. and unlike the past when the bus rolled into the city i was not overwhelmed with anxiety. i must have told dave at least 3 times that it feels good to be here though i am glad that i don't live here in the hustle and bustle. dave and i went out to my favorite restaurant, Shanghai. and it was nice the closest i get to eating out in brigham is papa murphys take and bake pizza. but i am a "dark urban" country boy enjoying the country life. i haven't been out of the rural north in almost a year. but i always wear black and try to look the gothic part in my rustler jeans and black t-shirt. ha ha.

insomnia

it truly sucks this morning i woke up at 3:30 i thought sure it was at least six. but i got out of bed anyway. it is better than laying bed. i have a million things to do this morning before i head off to salt lake. i will try and post while i am there but i might not be able to post until i get back on thursday.