(pic) ceremony charcoal and pastel on paper 18x24 2004 

collage; glue paper acrylic paint 7x10 2005 

comedy the real tragedy

i watch alot of tv. and most of the time it is soaps. they are the closest thing that i get to real life all dramatic but every once in a while i like to watch the comedy sketches and i have a rule if it doesn't make me laugh twice then i don't watch it again, and i must say there are alot out there that don't make me laugh. will and grace makes me laugh sometimes not because of the gay issue but because karin is a drunk and pill popper. i used to get a couple of laughs out of it but now i am lucky if i get one. it has all become dribble. lately i have been lucky enough to tune into sex in the city reruns on tbs and tonight i got 4 count them 4 laughs out of the show. that is a reason for me to keep watching. those girls should be commended for making someone as depressed as me to laugh.

if i had to be a heterosexual

i would listen to fleetwood mac

ophelia's dream

so if you haven't heard the new album "not a second time" you really should, it gave me that same tingle that i got when i hear unto ashes "empty into white" or the first time i heard dead can dance. you can buy it at projekt.com

collage; glue paper acrylic paint 4x7 2005 

the walk

my mood today was anxious early this morning but now i am relaxed and even smiling a bit

yes today was the day i make the 5 mile round trip walk to my therapist. we had a good talk about distorted thinking and that everyone has levels of distorted thinking , although because of my issues a lot of my thinking is distorted and i don't really need to get rid of it the point is to recognize it and when you recognize it you can take a step back from it and realize that it isn't really true. my worst ones on the list are mind reading and jumping to conclusions.( in the worst possible way)

so unfortunately i haven't done any new work yet although i have been thinking about it a lot. last night i went through some printouts of photos of men and picked out a couple that i would like to work on but i just haven't got around to it. i did think about working on a new collage but unfortunately i am out of glue and so that will have to wait, and that leaves me without something to do. but i will find something to pass the time, and keep my head from working overtime in my paranoid delusions.

thats all for now perhaps more later

postcard. acrylic paint, pencil and collage 4x6 2005 

collage; glue paper flower pedals 4x6 2005 

postcards

i started working on these small postcards a couple of weeks ago and i was really planning on sending them in the mail to people but decided to keep them for now anyway. my friend B once told me to start small, and that is what i do alot of the time especially when i don't have the mental energy to work on something larger. my friend michelle is getting me real excited about my own work by her motivation on her own and hopefully i will start working on bigger projects starting this week. i like to work on the charcoals outside in the fresh air and they tend to be messy, but i don't know how i feel about that here at my apartment with my social phobia it could be a problem, i have a floor covering under my easel so i am going to try it indoors and see if i can make it work without staining the walls or carpet.
i have been having some trouble sleeping the last few days. last night i only got about 5 hours of sleep and if i don't get 10 then things in my head tend to get a little screwed up.
i am getting more adjusted to living in my apartment i am now able to play music at a low volume with out being so paranoid that everyone can here it and thus are able to know what i am doing every second of the day. if you don't know i went through a process of putting most of my cd collection on my hard drive and now most of the time i just listen to a random playlist of all my stuff. it is very nice, i get to hear a nice variety.
some cd's i am looking for a can't afford if anyone out there has them and will burn me a copy are: frazier chorus - sue; cocteau twins - moon and the melodies; clan of xymox - medussa; and peter nooten micheal brook - sleep with the fishes.
my mood today is content.

postcard 4x6 acrylic paint and pencil and collage 

xav says welcome home

i am so glad to finally be back at my home and xav (my cat) was so excited to see me he was jumping all over me. by the way my mom is ok, i was sure that she was just imagining things but the people at the hospital said her heart beat was irregular but that she was not having a heart attack it was just the way it is when you get old. i am just surprised that she missed church to go to the hospital on easter even. wow. god and the best part is that i asked my mom for 20 dollars claiming that i was out of food money which in itself is true she just assumed that i would be spending the money on food when in fact i planned to spend in on cigs and booze. i went to dinner at my sister's as usual it was boring and i felt sick after dinner. i always get sick at her house all those kids and germs, SAY NO TO KIDS, nothing else much has been going on i am looking forward to watching desperate housewives tonight.

postcard 4x6 acrylic and pencil. 2005 

home alone

So being at my parents is strange, i have not been here since i moved out in february. i just feel out of place without all of my things to keep me occuppied. anyway this morning my mother felt funny and thought that her heart was skipping a beat so she and my father went to the hospital to get her checked out. i thought that she was just being her paranoid self but that was 2 hours ago and i haven't heard anything so i will have to keep you up to date on that. i was talking with my mother last night and we actually agreed on something that terry schiavo should be allowed to die. i was surprised to find something that we could actually agree on. anyway i feel very bored and would like to get home, i haven't even been here 24 hours and i already feel restricted. more later.

untitled. acrylic on canvas 2005 

my darkest light will shine. charcoal on paper 18x24 

morning comes too early

i woke up at 5am and gave up on sleeping got up and have discovered nothing on tv to watch, of course i don't have many channel options. i just have the very basic in cable it is all that i can afford on my pathetic budget. i surprise myself each month that i can survive on a poor man's wages. boring.....i am having some coffee and chewing nicorette. listening to some music very quietly i have to have it quiet so that i can hear the voices if they start up to make me paranoid. last night i worked on a couple of small sketches just to have something to do. i was very bored. i am working myself back into the habit of working on something larger and more substantial.
today i am going to visit my mom and dad and do laundry. i don't know how i feel about that, i mean i do really need to do laundry but at the same time i would rather stay at home and be alone. i guess i will see how it goes.

portland july 4th 2004 

an introduction into chaos

so this is me my first blog, i am 37 artist surving with a mental health disability called borderline personality disorder, social phobia, and some other lovely symptoms. i spend alot of time watching tv. and sometimes, i get excited enough to work on some artwork. i thought that i would start keeping track of a daily routine to get me away from the tv. i love soaps and can never get enough of them. what a waste of time they can be but i just have to keep watching.
that is all for tonight. my mood is sad and lonely tonight.