i've been burning inscense

and how i wish i was here with the cannon sisters smoking a kind bud

i knew (with jet black hair)

that you were the only one. you were the first guy i met who had a chameleons album and i will allways love you with your creepers and your pale white face. ... you were the one that dyed my hair jet black and let me wear your leather jacket to parties. you were the one who got me stoned. you were the one
you were the one who helped me through my X breakdown
in one sentence
there was only you and there was always you.

i am still learning about rejection

and i washed myself from the grief. and i said to myself he is the one. but he wasn't and i kept on looking
but everyday that passes in these twenty years since my life became important to me i was just looking for a connection.
just someone to listen to just to connect cause when you feel the connection you know how vital it is
and when something slips through your fingers you know how precious it is.

and i speak in the parables of my youth and my potential to fuck. who would have know that i would grow so old and cold and alone.

and i am still waiting for the one that could never cum.

when my ego is dead

i know how to go inside and drag it out. it is always after a very painful epiphany and it is always after a distrought night of dreams. i know how. it is painful but i do it when i want to work because i have to.......to keep the fire burning

my life as of today sept 27 2005

i think that if people were true to their faith they could discover god but you can't tell me that a terrorist is out to discover god

and i try not to blame them for i am trying very desperately to find and justify my world without god

i

won't let you fall apart

it is good and fine not to believe in god

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2-1798944,00.html

so i didn't let in stop me and i didn't go back to bed

where it is safe but paranoid. i layed down for an hour to watch one life to live and then got off my ass and have been painting. my hands are covered. and i discoved one canvas wasn't done. there are more and more layers. painting for me is about making your ego proud but then you have to destroy it to get what you finally want out of it. make the ego. destroy the ego (and suffer)...and then rebuild on it... you could say a work is never finished

so anxiety left me almost helpless

so i had a crazy drink filled weekend and now today again i am partaking. yesterday was recovery and i slept all day and all night only up for a few cigs. i had many crazy and fucked up dreams in all of my sleep yesterday. one i was in a flood trying to cross the street and i slipped and fell over in it.
i didn't want to get out of bed today and wouldn't have except that i had therapy at 9am finally dragged my ass out and made coffee and 7am i had to leave by 8 and had to organize my dishes and soak some. i think every dish in my cupboard was dirty. tried to call my sister cause i wanted to print out my resume but discovered my phone battery was dead.
so the walk to therapy was a struggle i am out of batteries for my walkman. and my ativan i had taken before i left hadn't kicked in yet. i felt hungover even though i didn't drink on monday, but mostly just afraid to be out of bed.i felt dissheveld. it didn't help that my timberlands have seen their day and so i dug from my closet a pair of sketchers that i only wore a few times. they look new. but the soles are to heavy for me to feel comfortable in i quess i will get used to them but i don't think today was the day
so i arrived at therapy only to find out that they had been calling all day yesterday because dr. edelman would not be in only i didn't get any calls cause the battery had died. all that stress of walking for nothing. of course had i known that i might not have pulled myself from the bed only to sleep another day.
so i walked by my sisters and she wasn't home.
my feet hurt by the time i got back home and i started to clean my apt. it always surprises me how little time it takes to get it to a point that i feel better about it. after a binge my place turns into chaos and i get so down looking at it that it is too overwhelming to start. so i usually just stay in bed to avoid the guilt of drinking.
so after that it was already time for the liquor store to open so i dug my hushpuppies (white and black) out of the closet because i remember that they were the most comfortable shoes i had owned and i didn't care that they were extrememly loud white with black. but of course they had not been worn for so long they weren't nearly as comfortable as i had remembered. but i made it there and back
and so all of that brings me to the point where i am now drinking coffee and having shots of liquor. and i hope i can survive this day of anxiety
MARble

i am not alone

but i am very lonely

when i visit

i want to go to a big cemetary and drink beer.

i have fond memories

in the cemetary when you walked with gods of the dead, and chole pissed and sat and we wept and chloe gave a beer to jesus ..............sure you remember that

if i could wish

then you would be there and it would be 1988 and we would be together............listening to jesus and mary chain or some christian death. i love you

what you gave me

was the miracle i was waithing for........and you slipped your tounge in mouth but only for a moment of joy.... i tried to forget you...but i could not.

i tried to give

and i have to ask who could resist my cooking. ok so bob did and charles did but i say fuck them it was a good falafel sandwich. i was just trying to be nice

sometimes

i just need a little BLACK SABBATH to get me through the day

one life to live

does anyone out there watch it. i missed a few days and now i need to know if todd killed margaret. can anyone help me out.

dull day

yesterday i was pretty bored. i did however catch up on the soaps. i haven't watched for a few days but it is always easy to catch up. i went to bed early last night cause i was dozing watching tv. and i slept pretty good again. i had this dream that i was on going on a tour to mexico. i have had this dream before. different dream but same theme.
it didn't rain very much yesterday, just a bit. from what they said on the news i thought it was going to rain all day long.
i did go out on a walk to the store and was listening to aikea-guinea by the cocteau twins and the mountains are covered with the color of changing leaves. it was really nice to get out and see the world.

finally

finally i slept. and it felt great i got about 10 hours of uninterupted sleep last night and i feel great this morning. it is an overcast and gloomy day. i love it when it rains and it hasn't started raining yet today but i am expecting it. i don't have any plans for today i am just going to take it as it comes.

close 09/2005 

i feel so exhausted

and can't find the energy to do anything at the moment but sit here and listen to music. my therapist told me to avoid going to bed during the day after a sleepless night, to help me get back to a regular schedule. i don't know though a nice nap sounds so tempting right now. but if i were to go to bed now i would just take my night time meds and sleep try and sleep through the night.

9/2005 

up all night

i have been awake almost all night working. i went to bed about midnight woke up at one got up worked on some collages and then went back to bed at 3 woke up at 4 so now i am up for the day. and i feel surprisingly well.

skin man 2005 

9/2005 

9/05 

a nice quiet day

i feel so calm it is unbelievable perhaps it is the 3 tranks i took. ya i love to follow doctors orders. i am totally enjoying myself just sitting here almost in a trance working on collage and listening to music. if only i had some cigs it would be perfect. i love collage it just ties up my mind so there is no worry or paranoia. just making a picture and it doesn't have to be the best like when i work on the big stuff, there is a lot of pressure. but collage is just so simple serene and beautiful. i am full of joy.

soon 9/2005 

My Black Summer 2005 

every day favorites, worthy of your attention 9/05 

new collages today

i am working on some new collages. i like collage it clogs my thoughts and so i don't think about much but which piece i should put where. it is taxing and simple. i simply love it. i just haven't had the energy or drive to work on large pieces lately.

alex remembers baptism and rejects christ for the company of men. 2004 

caution love on the horizon. 2004 

3/04 

accept this gift of blood, this wound of faith. 2004 

alex searches goth clubs to satisfy his hunger 

04-2004 

9/03 

10/03 

new day dawning

today i am feeling pretty good. except that i am craving a cigarette pretty badly. a feeling that i will have to get used to.
last night i had this great dream that i was living on one life to live. it is funny how whenever i dream about soaps i always dream that i am in them and they are real life. it makes sleep kind of fun.

its friday.

good or bad. who knows. i am fighting the urge to go back to bed. it has already been a long day for me. i was lucky enough to sleep in until 7 and i got up planning to just take my medicine and go back to bed and hope for sleep so that i could just avoid all this thinking that i do, all the worry. so i went to the store bought some bagels for breakfast and some vegetables to go in my falafel sandwich for lunch. i listened to some music and did some cleaning in the kitchen. i cleaned out my fridge and found some moldy tabouli of which i only had one serving of. i waste so much but it is difficult when you are just one person. maybe i could take my left-overs to my neighbors cause i know they will just rot in the fridge. after lunch i went to the food pantry. i was thinking it would be a good place to go once a week just to get out and do a little shopping. but i found out that it is a once a month thing. so they loaded up this cart for me and i pushed the cart home and it was full. it almost tipped over twice on the way home. but now i have staples so that i can use the rest of my food stamp money for the snacking things that i love.
now i am just trying to avoid the strong urge to go back to bed. i am so tired.

3/04  

cold 1/04 

for barbwire 12/03 

ok it's morning again

and what do i have just a few dreams left behind. just reminders of the past of the days when i used to do drugs and get A's in college. what ever happened to those days. did the world become more difficult or did i. that's where our emptiness goes.
love you all you viewers keep up the comments it is what i live for.

or a little bit

of brad pitts semen that you got from the sperm bank

or a tab of x

so i could masturbate myself to death imagining that i was shot with arrows. boys and girls i have been around the block

or a whip it

and a ciggarette

can anyone spare a bong hit

i need some paradise and a little bit more paranoia

and suddenly i find myself stumbling into darkness. 12/03.  

there is tremendous pressure on all of us to conform

this is my magic wand


ME at my best moment 

matt you needed a light

and a bucket to barf into i was there through all your shit. and you my scat. you are my brother. blood brother

FOR MATT collage 12/03 this one is for you babe.....loved grabbing your balls 

i might seem happy on the outside

or i might seem totally fucked up who knows certainly not me. i am sure that my therapist has a big ideas about me. and i don't care about his thoughts my only thoughts are on you the viewer and you have the potential to cheer me up.........tell me your dark & drap secrets. i want to hear how you murdered your sister. called on satan. tried your time at witchcraft. cast spells. heard bells. let me know i want to hear it good or bad. wicked or evil. it is what keeps this blog going. just let me know that you secretly have your kids in chambers locked in the basement. (at least they would be saved from a tornado) but did you think of floods.... i hate pain, i hate the pain i feel i hate that i feel joy listening to christian death sing the drowning. i hate that my greatest joy today was listening to sioxsie sioux out of all the fine tunes i have.......i have tuned them out. it is now nightime but i am not ready for bed for there is a demon slayer under my bed waiting to cut my guts out.

LOVER where are you

an after thought (if i could be a drag queen)

i would be barry manilow singing dazzle by siouxsie sioux

this one is great with rob lowe in the backgroud of porn ( i'm sure i will get sued for this one but it is worth the fight. cuz it is so beautiful) 

if i could be a drag queen

i would pose as siouxie sioux and sing barry manilow......what is your all time favorite barry song. please comment

june 2004 

i think

that is enough for today. i feel an intense impulse suddenly to get to work.

this is one of the very first ones. from 1996. i remember camping in the uintahs and spreading all of them out for jason to see. i like my first ones. an artist always likes his experiements