the mormons

i got my letter yesterday it said "as per your request you a no longer a member of the lds church. i couldn't be more elated. at last i am free from them.

i'd like to love you but my heart is a sore

so about once every 6 months i listen to marilyn manson just to keep me angry and tonight was the night,,,,,,,,,,,,,it was and still is great. my fav is golden age of the grotesque. it makes me happy. my fav song is i got an F and a C and i got a K too now only i need a bitch like U

hey

thanks to rory for already sending my solstice gift. i will put it to good use. i just want to let you know that collide.net has some very nifty ciggarette cases. that would be a great gift. or a cool flask something sinister always pleases me

collide

so collide has a new dvd out which i have ordered along with a t for only $24.99. check it out. www.collide.net

jason digital image 2005 

my dear heart friends matt and mitt november 2005 

the mormons

so the mormons came by my apt today and asked if i was serious about the letter i had sent. i am so freaked out. i had to immediately go and buy beer. my hands are shaking and my heart is quaking. i just don't like that they disturbed my day. but at least now it is over and my name will be removed from the church records. i never have to say i am a mormon again. thank god!

ponder. charcoal and conte crayon on paper. 24x36 

hello

so i haven't had alot to say lately i have just been hanging out not much work, but then i don't work alot during the winter. i have been watching alot of movies from netflix. i have been going through the queer as folk series. i absolutely love it. i just can't get enough. i also watched the movie sordid lives which really was quite good.
among other things i sent my letter of resignation to the mormon church. i am sick of their politics. they shouldn't get so involved in other peoples lives. so i got this letter back that stated my resignation had to be handled at the local level and they had sent my letter to the stake president and bishop. this upset me because i fear that of course there will be mormons knocking on my door again. i can't tell you how much the mormon community upsets me and i wish i would never have been born into it.

xav curled up in his chair 

jason at the giddy giddy carousel. acrylic paint and oil pastel on canvas. 24x36 

i love art

the only good thing i can say about my mother is that she took me to private art lessions when i was a young boy. i love creating art. i love having my hands covered with paint. right now i am working on a new painting just waiting for the paint to dry. it took me to college and some of my best times in life was going to art school. i have spent the day looking through my massive catalog of art products and getting presents for my neices and nephews. i just want them to grow up with art.

halloween

my nephew as a skeleton he looks a little gothic

my cat

i don't know why but my cat is loving this cardboard package i got. he keeps scratching at in and sleeping on it. it is funny.

xav (my cat) on cardboard

happy halloween

i was going to go on a picnic to the cemetary but it is just too cold. i have more picks from the pumpkin carving party my sister sent to me.

family pumpkin carving party

so this is my family and today was a family pumpkin carving party. very mormon we even had a blessing of the food before dinner. i always like to keep my eyes open and see who else is rebellious enough to look. mormons. what can i say. but it was kind of fun. an extreme social event for me since i hate kids. but i survived. and feel exhausted and in need of many drinks now that i am home

swallow . charcoal on paper 24x36 

the emptiness of ugliness acrylic on canvas 18x24 

untitled mask acrylic on canvas 18x24 

self portrait (john wayne "gacy" beach 18x24 acrylic and oil pastel on canvas 

after much frustration

i got my mat cutter put together and functioning. it takes alot a practice but i have sucessfully matted and framed my first picture. tomorow i am buyin a new camera. so soon we will have visual back again.

i am back and better

so i found my money so i found my strength. it was just a look away ..............my new winter art is digital so i hope you will like them. there is no mess just a bunch of lights and that is all i care about the lights of you who comment

butterfly boy : digital image 2005 

i could take a calgon bath but..............

i could smoke a cig and wait for you to return..............but i have waited a lifetiem. i am in love with only you

my dreams again

Last night i had several dream in a sequence while waking up from each one. i was walking this town but it was a fictional town since i didn't recognize it and (joy division playing now yes) and i was looking for my home. i was walking the streets which were filled with poor degenerates. and i went to on place that i thought that was my home but i realized i couldn't live in such squalor. then i kept going into shops and in one i bought some cough syrup to get me high and then i kept falling down and had trouble getting up god i was in a suit shop for christ sake and i was feeling the fabric and fell down and everything was collapsing all around me. then i wandered into some sort of china town and was trying to buy jade icons. and i kept wandering in china town forever and i thought if i just buy something i can make it home. and i kept wandering from room to room and finally found a nice jade paperweight that i bought but it wasnt enough. i saw a wonderful black beaded purse that i wanted to buy but for some reason couldn't and i had on my posession this lovely purple beaded veil that i found a wonderful dress to match it.....i must have pissed them off cuz they wouldn't let me buy it. then i wandered from room to room til i got out of the chinese district and by the way i was speaking to them in chinese. i finally found home and it was in this building surrounded by graffit and burning buildings. but i had plants on my patio

somewhere

you are out there and i keep falling for those str8ght men.

listen and you shatll hear

in my silent step you listen to nature and organization and we are one an bliss

i am doing nothing

but sitting in front of the pc. listening to music and having some beers. i am just waiting for my checks to come in. i have been shopping and when my checks start arriving i will have to decide what toys i want to buy. mostly the things i was are focused on art....just one little pleasure an 60 gig mp3 player. but mostly i am just entertaining myself shopping. i haven't had the money to shop for such a long time. and now with my big ssi check coming in. i am spending it all on art toys. and then i will get poor again and depressed but at least i will have some new toys to play with. i am lonely today. but i am up and out of bed which is always a good thing. i struggle to make it out of bed everday.
last night i had vampire dreams of terror and i kept waking up so finally i got up at three am to stop the cycle of the dreams. they were freaking me out. so i had a cig and went back to bed the dream cycle stopped. at one point i was screaming and i don't know if i was doing it just in the dream or outloud. i hope it wasn't outloud but that has been know to happen before. after several vampire dreams of terror and waking up i dreamt that i had found this church which i thought was safety but i went inside seeking santuary. and i only discoved it was a black church of satan. i screamed.

it's official

i am insane. the government thinks so as well. i got on disability. yes i get a check every month just for being me. i don't have to work no more interviews for me this is such a relief. god it is about time.

i've been burning inscense

and how i wish i was here with the cannon sisters smoking a kind bud

i knew (with jet black hair)

that you were the only one. you were the first guy i met who had a chameleons album and i will allways love you with your creepers and your pale white face. ... you were the one that dyed my hair jet black and let me wear your leather jacket to parties. you were the one who got me stoned. you were the one
you were the one who helped me through my X breakdown
in one sentence
there was only you and there was always you.

i am still learning about rejection

and i washed myself from the grief. and i said to myself he is the one. but he wasn't and i kept on looking
but everyday that passes in these twenty years since my life became important to me i was just looking for a connection.
just someone to listen to just to connect cause when you feel the connection you know how vital it is
and when something slips through your fingers you know how precious it is.

and i speak in the parables of my youth and my potential to fuck. who would have know that i would grow so old and cold and alone.

and i am still waiting for the one that could never cum.

when my ego is dead

i know how to go inside and drag it out. it is always after a very painful epiphany and it is always after a distrought night of dreams. i know how. it is painful but i do it when i want to work because i have to.......to keep the fire burning

my life as of today sept 27 2005

i think that if people were true to their faith they could discover god but you can't tell me that a terrorist is out to discover god

and i try not to blame them for i am trying very desperately to find and justify my world without god

i

won't let you fall apart

it is good and fine not to believe in god

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2-1798944,00.html

so i didn't let in stop me and i didn't go back to bed

where it is safe but paranoid. i layed down for an hour to watch one life to live and then got off my ass and have been painting. my hands are covered. and i discoved one canvas wasn't done. there are more and more layers. painting for me is about making your ego proud but then you have to destroy it to get what you finally want out of it. make the ego. destroy the ego (and suffer)...and then rebuild on it... you could say a work is never finished

so anxiety left me almost helpless

so i had a crazy drink filled weekend and now today again i am partaking. yesterday was recovery and i slept all day and all night only up for a few cigs. i had many crazy and fucked up dreams in all of my sleep yesterday. one i was in a flood trying to cross the street and i slipped and fell over in it.
i didn't want to get out of bed today and wouldn't have except that i had therapy at 9am finally dragged my ass out and made coffee and 7am i had to leave by 8 and had to organize my dishes and soak some. i think every dish in my cupboard was dirty. tried to call my sister cause i wanted to print out my resume but discovered my phone battery was dead.
so the walk to therapy was a struggle i am out of batteries for my walkman. and my ativan i had taken before i left hadn't kicked in yet. i felt hungover even though i didn't drink on monday, but mostly just afraid to be out of bed.i felt dissheveld. it didn't help that my timberlands have seen their day and so i dug from my closet a pair of sketchers that i only wore a few times. they look new. but the soles are to heavy for me to feel comfortable in i quess i will get used to them but i don't think today was the day
so i arrived at therapy only to find out that they had been calling all day yesterday because dr. edelman would not be in only i didn't get any calls cause the battery had died. all that stress of walking for nothing. of course had i known that i might not have pulled myself from the bed only to sleep another day.
so i walked by my sisters and she wasn't home.
my feet hurt by the time i got back home and i started to clean my apt. it always surprises me how little time it takes to get it to a point that i feel better about it. after a binge my place turns into chaos and i get so down looking at it that it is too overwhelming to start. so i usually just stay in bed to avoid the guilt of drinking.
so after that it was already time for the liquor store to open so i dug my hushpuppies (white and black) out of the closet because i remember that they were the most comfortable shoes i had owned and i didn't care that they were extrememly loud white with black. but of course they had not been worn for so long they weren't nearly as comfortable as i had remembered. but i made it there and back
and so all of that brings me to the point where i am now drinking coffee and having shots of liquor. and i hope i can survive this day of anxiety
MARble

i am not alone

but i am very lonely

when i visit

i want to go to a big cemetary and drink beer.

i have fond memories

in the cemetary when you walked with gods of the dead, and chole pissed and sat and we wept and chloe gave a beer to jesus ..............sure you remember that

if i could wish

then you would be there and it would be 1988 and we would be together............listening to jesus and mary chain or some christian death. i love you

what you gave me

was the miracle i was waithing for........and you slipped your tounge in mouth but only for a moment of joy.... i tried to forget you...but i could not.

i tried to give

and i have to ask who could resist my cooking. ok so bob did and charles did but i say fuck them it was a good falafel sandwich. i was just trying to be nice

sometimes

i just need a little BLACK SABBATH to get me through the day

one life to live

does anyone out there watch it. i missed a few days and now i need to know if todd killed margaret. can anyone help me out.

dull day

yesterday i was pretty bored. i did however catch up on the soaps. i haven't watched for a few days but it is always easy to catch up. i went to bed early last night cause i was dozing watching tv. and i slept pretty good again. i had this dream that i was on going on a tour to mexico. i have had this dream before. different dream but same theme.
it didn't rain very much yesterday, just a bit. from what they said on the news i thought it was going to rain all day long.
i did go out on a walk to the store and was listening to aikea-guinea by the cocteau twins and the mountains are covered with the color of changing leaves. it was really nice to get out and see the world.

finally

finally i slept. and it felt great i got about 10 hours of uninterupted sleep last night and i feel great this morning. it is an overcast and gloomy day. i love it when it rains and it hasn't started raining yet today but i am expecting it. i don't have any plans for today i am just going to take it as it comes.

close 09/2005 

i feel so exhausted

and can't find the energy to do anything at the moment but sit here and listen to music. my therapist told me to avoid going to bed during the day after a sleepless night, to help me get back to a regular schedule. i don't know though a nice nap sounds so tempting right now. but if i were to go to bed now i would just take my night time meds and sleep try and sleep through the night.

9/2005 

up all night

i have been awake almost all night working. i went to bed about midnight woke up at one got up worked on some collages and then went back to bed at 3 woke up at 4 so now i am up for the day. and i feel surprisingly well.

skin man 2005 

9/2005 

9/05 

a nice quiet day

i feel so calm it is unbelievable perhaps it is the 3 tranks i took. ya i love to follow doctors orders. i am totally enjoying myself just sitting here almost in a trance working on collage and listening to music. if only i had some cigs it would be perfect. i love collage it just ties up my mind so there is no worry or paranoia. just making a picture and it doesn't have to be the best like when i work on the big stuff, there is a lot of pressure. but collage is just so simple serene and beautiful. i am full of joy.

soon 9/2005 

My Black Summer 2005 

every day favorites, worthy of your attention 9/05